i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
