Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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