His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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