the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
