Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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