Ambien. No doubt about it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
