Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
