I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
