i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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