??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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