I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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