Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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