It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
