I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
