What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
