You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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