Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
