just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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