Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
