So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
