I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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