i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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