shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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