Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
