you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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