did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
