so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
