do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You ruined the universe
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
