I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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