I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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