Soap is not a condiment
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
