I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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