my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
