I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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