I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
