Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
