I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ketchup is God's man juice
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
