Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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