ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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