I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
