i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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