I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
