So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
