saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
