Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize