So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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