he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A bitchslap is in order.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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