you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
