Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
