I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
