His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
