Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
