She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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