I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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