The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
