you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
