Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
