If that was your dad, he is hot
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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