I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
